God forgive me, but whilst berating Pam and the girls for reading Hello magazine and the like, it is a guilty pleasure of mine to leaf through the pages of these scandal rags when no one is looking. And so I am coming clean here and now – I just love those images of a wasted Charlie Sheen or a dishevelled Lyndsey Lohan falling in and out of taxis in the Hollywood Hills. I want to know if Beyoncé’s marriage IS on the rocks and who WAS that guy seen leaving Britney’s apartment at dawn.
I am in Florida right now and when I am on holiday I enjoy going shopping with my wife. Yesterday, as I was unloading the trolley onto the cashier’s conveyor belt at the local supermarket, I found myself scanning the headlines of the Celebrity mags displayed at the checkout – cunningly positioned for that last minute impulse buy.
All the usual faces on the covers: Oprah, Britney, Angelina, Brad….but there in screaming neon print, the startling headline, “Does Brad have false teeth?” I gawp at the words, struggling to process their meaning – Is it possible? Could it be true that the most beautiful man in the world wears dentures? My mind races – do Angelina and Jennifer know? Yes, it’s all coming back to me now; when the other guys ordered steaks the night before the heist in Ocean’s Eleven, Brad had spaghetti! And when they were filming that Zombie film in George Square, a shop assistant in Boots claimed to have sold him 4 tubes of Dentufix… and no one listened.
Brad, if you read this, make an appointment with us in Glasgow. We can give you dental implants – it won’t hurt, I know you can afford it and soon you will be able to snog Angelina with newfound abandon!